Her Name...

Her name is on my lips and they speak it often.  Some times a whisper, barely audible over the breeze.  And others a roar of unbridled love, rivaling the crashing waves on this jagged shore.  Her eyes blaze like the first rays of dawn, burning into mine.  Cool grey like the sky before a storm, they light up the dark places in my mind.  My blood boils, threatening to burst the paper-thin walls of my heart.  She whispers my name and I melt.  Like a candle burning at both ends; I don’t have a chance.

“Take my hand, you’ll like it,” she says with a furtive grin.  So I do; and I do.  I let her lead me, because I’m still an egalitarian.  I don’t care where we’re going.  As long as I’m with her I’ll go.  You tell me I’m selfish, that I hurt you too much to keep.  I know it’s true, and I’m as sorry today as when I said it the first time.  But she’s calling me now and I have to go.  I can’t stay here anymore.  She pulled me back from the cliffs of my despair, kissed my tear-stained cheeks and made me dance with her till sunset and I’ll go wherever she leads me. 

Beautiful.  That’s the only word for her.  I don’t deserve her and I never will.  I ask her why she loves me and she says, “Don’t be stupid.”  She knows I hate it when she calls me stupid so she does it all the time.  And I love her for it.  Her name, and how much I need her pass my tongue and vibrate through the cool autumn air.  Why do you love me?  “Because you’re you silly boy.  You’re mine and I love you and that’s the end of it.”  I can live with that.  Because I believe her.  She’s taking up all the places that used to be yours and filling them with rainbows, and daisies, and sunsets for days. 

Her skin, soft as rose petals, glows in the last moments of day.  This is electric, raw.  Something I’ve never felt before.  Because it’s not just a feeling.  My whole heart’s in it.  And she knows.  She cradles my head while I fight my demons.  Runs her slender fingers through my messy hair and tells me she’s not going anywhere.  I have my anxiety, and I have her and that’s more than enough for one heart.  You wished me well, and maybe I am.  I’m not sure yet.  But with her I know I have a chance.  She puts her lips close to my ear and tells me who I am.  “You’re you.  And I love that.  I love you.”  God she’s good at this.

In the darkness, with just the sound of the breakers on the precipice, the sweet breeze caressing my face I can smell her.  Like pine trees in the mountains and chocolate chip cookies.  It’s a love spell to be sure.  I call her name but she doesn’t answer.  My heart skips a beat, then two, three; and then leaps into my throat as she slips her hands over my eyes and says, “Guess who?”  We laugh as I turn and hold her in my arms.  Not as strong as they used to be, but that’s alright.  She’s strong enough for both of us and tells me she’s not letting go.  You let go and I’m learning too as well.  Dreams I saw with my waking eyes burn off like fog as she kisses my fear away.  She is amazing, she is beautiful and she is saving me.

Rain begins to fall, but neither of us care.  It’s she and me and a field by the ocean.  She laughs at me when I get angry because she knows I don’t do it well anymore.  There’s no room to be mad at you with her filling up the cracks in my heart, my soul, my everything.  You ask who she is, why she’s so good for me. You want to know her name.  But if I tell you, it loses some of its power.  You taught me that, although I think you were mad when you said it.  But it stuck with me.  I can’t explain it.  Can’t map out exactly what she does to me, but it’s magic.  She sings me to sleep and her songs bring my troubled heart peace as she wipes away my tears.  I love this girl, I always will.  And she loves me back.

Now she’s running through the tall grass, towards the jagged end of the world.  Her long brown hair flowing out behind her, dancing in the starlight and full of flowers.  I try to keep up but she’s light on her feet and races ahead.  My breath comes fast and ragged, but the smile on my face never breaks because I know she won’t run forever.  Just until I’m about dead with exhaustion.  She thinks that’s hilarious.  I do too.  I catch her at the edge of the cliff.  She’s staring out over the horizon; its the same color as her eyes.  Those pools of light that drown my heart in happiness.  The first rays of the sun flash behind us and light up the sea like a giant canvas.  Colors and patterns and beauty that make Michelangelo look like a kindergartner with a coloring book.  We stand next to each other, captured in the moment.  Our fingers intertwine, and in just a hoarse whisper, barely audible over the dancing waves, I say her name.  “Michael?” she asks.  I tell her I love her.  “And I love you.”