I guess I didn’t realize how many ways a heart could break. More than one. And this break makes me feel so small, so insignificant. In a universe where my sun is small in the grand scheme of things, what is my life? It rises and sets without fail, but little lives on this spit of rock and water start and end by the millions. I blow out candles on a cake with 27 flames. Forever and 27 years, and 94 somewhere in between. I wonder if God made sunsets to show us that ends can be beautiful. That closure can come with fire and lights. My heart’s a freaking wreck and it might be for a really long time. Life has decided not to be gentle right now, but neither have I. My sunset might be tomorrow or 67 years from now. I don’t want to live forever, and I’m not afraid to die, but I’d like to think there’s something left for me to do.
Death sucks. I hate it. Maybe only God hates it more. It’s the last enemy and one way or another it takes us all. I’m not fascinated or obsessed with it. I just want it to end. I know what I know is true but I’m broken by the human condition. We’re all a few seconds closer to sunset, but we live like it’ll be sunny forever. I want to walk to the road that realizes night is coming. Not dark and lonely, but aware that my failure culminates in death. When death dies, that’ll be a glorious day. But until then it’s drawing the curtains and blocking out the sun one little life at a time. When my sun starts to set I hope it’s in a burst of color. Oranges, reds, purples and blues that emblazon themselves on eternity. I’ve seen a sunset 94 years in the making and I’ll never forget it. Maybe mine will be half as grand. I wouldn’t be upset. Today, tomorrow or in 2079 it’s coming. It’s on its way. It’ll be here soon and I’m ready. My eyes, my arms and my heart are open.
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